


Five Card Spread

by Smercy



Category: Carnivale
Genre: F/F, Gen, Post Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smercy/pseuds/Smercy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-series. Sofie walks across country.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Card Spread

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gamerfic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/gifts).



0\. _prologue: 1939_

She couldn't just stay in New Canaan, so Sofie left, walking.

-

She didn't have a plan or a destination, but once she hit Texas, Sofie figured she might as well go to Babylon and visit Dora Mae. It wasn't like anybody else would. Dora Mae deserved some flowers on her grave, at least.

There weren't any flowers in Babylon, the town couldn't even grow grass. Sofie had a bunch of wilted wildflowers from further up the road, not even a whole handful, but it was better than nothing. She couldn't even really see where Dora Mae was buried, the marker was tilted out of place, almost laying on the ground. Sofie fixed it then and sat for a few minutes, but she couldn't think of anything else to do.

And that would've been it, except she walked into town and saw Dora Mae in a window.

-

It didn't take too long after sunrise for Dora Mae to show up on the arm of some miner. Sofie was waiting in the bar, only a little bit drunk. "Hey, Sofie," said Dora Mae.

Sofie had almost forgotten what Dora Mae sounded like. "Hey, Dora Mae," she said. The miner was clinging too hard to Dora Mae, she'd have bruises. "Let's go for a walk." Dora Mae nodded. The miner didn't want to let them go, but it wasn't like he could stop Sofie.

Dora Mae took her arm as they walked up the hill. "I'm real glad you visited," Dora Mae said. "I don't get much conversation now. Are you still with the carnival? Have you seen Momma and Daddy and Libby lately?"

"Yeah," Sofie lied. The hill was starting to make her knees ache. "They're all alive. And healthy. Your dad had a rough time after you died, he went back to gambling."

Dora Mae stomped her foot in the dirt. "Shit."

"Your mom stopped that real quick, though. He's not doing it any more." Sofie didn't really know for sure that happened, but there was no way Rita Sue would let that shit keep going.

"How's Libby?"

Sofie's mouth went dry. "She's good. She married Jonesy, had a kid. She's stopped dancing."

"Shit, Jonesy?" Dora Mae started laughing.

"Yeah," Sofie said.

"Really?" Sofie nodded. They were almost at the top of the hill. She could see the outline of miners, they weren't close enough that she could see their faces. "Well, good for her, I guess. I mean, I always thought he was sweet on you. Does he treat her right? Do you think they're happy?"

"Of course he does, he's Jonesy. And they're happy." She hoped they were happy.

Dora Mae's eyes looked very tired. "How about everybody else? How they doing?"

"Gecko took a powder once you were gone. Lodz too. Things are pretty much the same besides that. Oh, and my mom died." Dora Mae looked at her, but Sofie just shook her head.

They reached Dora Mae's grave. "I come here sometimes," Dora Mae said. "Not for very long. Thanks for the flowers."

"Yeah," said Sofie. They both sat beside the grave, Sofie took Dora Mae's hand. She had all kinds of things to say, but she didn't know how to make them into words.

"How'd your mom die?"

Sofie kept her eyes on the flowers. "There was a fire in the trailer."

"I'm sorry," said Dora Mae. "Fire's an awful way to go. It didn't hurt too much when I died."

Sofie leaned over and hugged Dora Mae. Dora Mae, who was still wearing the brown dress from the last day of her life.

"I didn't think anybody was gonna come back," Dora Mae said. "I thought that maybe Samson saw me after he shot the guy who killed me, but I guess he didn't. I hope he didn't."

Dora Mae looked like she just didn't have any tears left in her. "You're not gonna stay here any more, I promise," Sofie said.

"Yeah, I am."

"No, I can fix it. I have a way about me like my Mama did."

Dora Mae looked so, so relieved. The only woman in a cursed town full of miners, trapped for years, she must've been in agony.

"Before I go, can you do something for me? Can you give Libby a message?" Sofie nodded. "The last thing we ever did was fight. And it would just tear me up if she thought I maybe didn't love her. I did. She's my sister. I know everybody else knows, but I've been kind of scared about Libby. And tell her I'm happy she got married. And I'm sorry I always made fun of her titties. She was a good sister."

Sofie stood up and took both of Dora Mae's hands. "I promise I'll tell her."

"Thanks," Dora Mae said.

"And Libby loves you too, she told me. She got real quiet and sad after you were gone. She bleached her hair."

Sofie could feel the curse thick in the air. She didn't know how, she just did. And Dora Mae didn't belong in Babylon. She didn't deserve to be dead, either, but Sofie could only get her out.

"Dora Mae, it's time to get in your grave," Sofie said. Dora Mae nodded. "It's a real nice one. Everybody put something in it."

The ground opened up beside them.

Sofie walked Dora Mae to her grave and helped her lay down inside. She stroked the hair away from Dora Mae's face. "Sofie, do you think I'm going to heaven?"

"Yeah, of course you're going to heaven. I promise." Sofie smiled. She felt the curse swelling up around her, and she broke it.

A few birds dropped from the sky.

And then Dora Mae was free, in the grave where she belonged.

-

Sofie walked back into Babylon where everyone else was still trapped. She let her eyes go black.

"Nothing will grow here," she announced. "Nobody will settle here, people won't even pass through here. This town will be like death."

The miners all stared at her. They looked like angry dried up husks.

They weren't a match for her, and Sofie was furious. Dora Mae Dreifuss was a sweet girl, she hadn't deserved Babylon. They did, they deserved all of Babylon.

Sofie set the whole town on fire.

-

Fire was an awful way to go.

Sofie walked out of Babylon covered in ashes.

She didn't actually want to go visit Libby, but she had promised Dora Mae and it wasn't like there was anybody else who could do it for her.

Sofie started down the road to Nebraska. Her feet ached.

The old tarot deck was sitting on the Babylon sign. She left it.

-

 **I.** _Eight of Swords_

-

Sofie got to Lincoln and didn't bother to find a hotel before she went to the Joneses' house.

It was a nice house. Small, but solidly built. It probably kept most of the dust out. A little boy played with a baseball in the yard, probably Libby's kid. Sofie used to know his name, but she'd forgotten.

She was going to just stand in the walkway until somebody noticed, but Libby saw her before she stopped walking. "Sofie?"

"Hi," said Sofie.

Libby snatched her son up in her arms. "What are you doing here?" The kid wiggled like she was holding him too tight.

"I was around. I just wanted to say hi," Sofie said. She didn't walk any closer.

"Hang on," said Libby. "Let me get Clayton."

Sofie stood in her spot, waiting. Jonesy came out with Libby, but not the kid, cleaner than she could ever remember him looking. He didn't limp either, which was still strange to see.

"Sofie?"

"Hi," Sofie said. This time, she waved a little bit.

"Hi," said Jonesy. Then, they seemed to have run out of things to say. "How about you-"

Libby grabbed his arm and dragged him to the side of the house. Sofie didn't strain to hear what they were whispering about, it couldn't be anything but whether or not to invite her in.

She still didn't know how she was gonna give Libby the message from Dora Mae. Of course, if they didn't invite her in, she wouldn't have to.

Jonesy walked over and extended his hand. "How about you come in and have some dinner with us?"

Libby's mouth was tight. "Thanks," said Sofie, and didn't take Jonesy's hand as she walked inside.

-

The whole walk to Nebraska, Sofie hadn't been sure of what she expected to happen at the Joneses', but it involved more yelling and less dinner.

She sat at the table, not hungry, and forced herself to take mouthfuls of the food. She couldn't really taste it. There was a window behind Sofie's shoulder, and Libby spent most of her time looking at it.

Her head ached, and her jaw, from where she was clenching it too hard. They were both staring at her.

"The green beans are really good," Sofie tried.

"Thanks," said Libby. "They're fresh."

The kid kicked his legs against his chair.

"So, Sofie, what are you doing in Nebraska?" Jonesy smiled too hard.

"Just walking," she said.

"We thought you were in California," said Jonesy.

"Not right now," Sofie said.

"Teddy, stop playing with your food," Libby said, wiping his hands with the edge of the tablecloth. Teddy, that was the kid's name.

Sofie was running out of food, and so was everybody else. She thought about Dora Mae by her grave, and then she swallowed hard.

Libby scraped her fork against the plate. "How long are you gonna be in Lincoln?"

"Not long," Sofie said. She felt better when she was moving around.

Jonesy started collecting the plates and moved them to the sink. "Well, how about you come back for breakfast tomorrow? It's been a long time since we last saw you."

"Sure," Sofie said. She stood up and tried to sound happy about it. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. Thanks for dinner. Bye Libby, bye Jonesy."

"Bye, Sofie," said Libby. Sofie was probably just imagining that it was sarcastic.

"You've got a cute kid. He's really well-behaved," Sofie tried. Libby looked at him and smiled.

Jonesy grabbed her wrist and Sofie flinched away. His voice was soft, "Let me walk you out."

"Fine," said Sofie. The kid barely noticed as she left.

-

The sky was starting to turn and the air had gotten cooler when Sofie made it outside.

She only walked a few paces before turning to talk with Jonesy. His hair was shorter.

"Sofie, what are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to see you two."

Jonesy just barely rolled his eyes. "Why?"

"To see if you were happy. You look happy," Sofie said.

"We are," said Jonesy.

Her nose ached from where it was sunburned.

"Have you left that preacher for good?" Jonesy looked so hopeful that Sofie wanted to scream. She dug her nails into her palms.

"No," said Sofie. "I'm just traveling."

"Why the hell not?"

"It's complicated," Sofie said.

Jonesy kicked the ground until a cloud of dust rose to their knees. "He's evil. What's complicated about that?"

Sofie said, "He's my father."

"Shit," Jonesy hissed. "Sofie, you gotta leave there."

"He's the only family I've got," she replied.

She started walking away. "Sofie, wait," Jonesy called. How many times had she heard that?

"I'm sorry I shot you," Sofie said, not turning back to look at him. "I wasn't myself."

-

Sofie walked to the center of town and got to a pay phone, put in a few bits and called New Canaan. If she didn't call collect, it was harder to figure where she was.

Iris picked up the phone, of course. "Iris, it's Sofie."

"I assume you're not going to tell me you're on your way back."

"I'm not on my way back," Sofie said, for probably the twentieth time. "But I'm not dead either."

"Of course you're not dead," said Iris. She sounded perfectly calm.

Sofie traced the numbers with her fingers, trying to think of anything to say. Her throat was dry. "Are things well with you?"

"No. You've upset Justin."

"I didn't mean to," said Sofie, even though she knew it wouldn't help.

Iris sighed. "Nothing to be done about it now. Do you have enough to eat?"

Sofie's gut tightened. "Yeah," she said.

"Do you need me to wire you money?"

"No," Sofie said, tongue dry.

Sofie hung up before Iris could ask anything else.

-

The Joneses hadn't given her a time for breakfast, so Sofie tried not to get there too early.

It was still too early. Breakfast hadn't finished cooking and the coffee had barely been brewed.

Libby did look less tense, though. The kid was half-asleep with his head stuck in her neck.

Jonesy was completely dressed. "It's real good to see you, Sofie," he said.

"Thanks," she replied.

They had an extra chair at the table, but she still didn't fit there. And she wasn't very good with smalltalk. She let Libby and Jonesy talk about his work at the baseball stadium and looked at their kid. He had dark hair and long eyelashes.

"So," Jonesy tried pulling her into the conversation. "How's Brother Justin?"

She wanted to tell him that he could just look it up in the newspaper if he cared that much. "Fine," she said. That wasn't a good answer. She tried again. "Pretty irritated lately. He doesn't like the new Pope."

Jonesy nodded, but it was obvious he didn't want to hear about Justin. Libby added some more eggs to the kid's plate. "I don't imagine he would, being a Methodist and all."

She almost wanted to tell them that Justin hated the new pope's policy with Germany, that Justin ranted most nights about Nazism and how America just needed to wipe them from the earth with hellfire. And then Iris would just tell Justin that the Nazis weren't going to get Russia and that would calm him down, and Sofie could not understand why. "And Iris is fine too," she said.

"That's good," Jonesy said, a lot more genuinely. "I'm real thankful to her, for patching me up in New Canaan like that."

"I'll tell her," Sofie said.

"We've missed you," Libby said. It was completely awkward and it just sat there. Sofie tried not to blush.

Jonesy grabbed Libby's hand. "Yeah, kiddo. We did miss you. And we'd like you to stay a while if you can." He paused. "I've got to go out with the travel team for a few days, and it's awful lonely for Libby all here by her lonesome. You think you'd be willing to stay?"

"I don't want to be a burden," Sofie said.

"It wouldn't be a burden," Libby said. "I'd like it." She almost sounded like she was telling the truth.

Of course, there wasn't any traveling baseball business. That was just an excuse so that Jonesy could go and get Ben. But Sofie looked at Libby and Libby looked so hopeful that she couldn't stop herself. "Sure," said Sofie. "But I'll stay in my hotel room."

The both of them smiled. Anyway, Sofie could always just leave tomorrow.

-

 **II.** _Five of Pentacles_

-

"It does feel real weird just staying in one place all the time. Almost weirder than being somebody's mother, I think. It's just so different like this." Libby swung on the porch swing next to Sofie, her feet were bare.

The kid was asleep, they could see him from the window, all lit up in a patch of sun. Sofie's hand was right next to Libby's just barely touching.

"You look out the window and it's always the same. Every day," Sofie sighed.

"I don't like it," Libby admitted. "Sometimes I get real homesick. Jonesy says it's because I don't got any real friends here, but that's not it."

"Why wouldn't you have any friends?" Sofie wanted to grab Libby's hand. Libby had been the best friend she'd ever had.

"It's not that people here know I used to dance the cooch, 'cause they don't. They do know that Clayton and me were in the carnival, but we just said I ran the wheel of fortune." Libby sighed. "It's probably because we don't go to church."

Back in California, Sofie's whole life was wrapped around the church. It was hard imagining what Libby must do all day. "Why not?"

"It's not that I ain't Christian, 'cause I am. But after seeing what Ben did, when he healed Jonesy with his hands, regular church just doesn't seem like it's got anything in it. Like it's all hollow."

Sofie nodded.

"Anyway, that doesn't matter now." Libby grabbed Sofie's good hand. Her fingers were so long.

-

Walking back to the hotel, Sofie was behind some rich asshole acting like he owned the sidewalk.

He was so busy looking at the shine on his expensive silver pocketwatch that he didn't notice the little girl until he walked right into her. Then he started shouting like his feet were on fire.

Sofie hated rich assholes.

When he was done throwing the tantrum, she followed him until they reached a quiet side street, then she grabbed his hand. Her eyes went black.

"You will give me all of the money in your wallet," Sofie told him.

He pulled the wallet from his pocket.

"You will not remember giving me the money. You will know that you've lost it, but you will be too embarrassed to say anything about it. Tomorrow, you will go to church and where donate generously to the poor every week for the rest of your life. You will not remember meeting me. Do you understand?"

"I understand," he said, voice gone dull like all the others' had.

"And you will give me that pocketwatch."

-

Sofie sat on Libby's porch and sipped on some lemonade that wasn't sweet enough. The kid played with some sticks in the back yard, drawing patterns in the dirt.

Libby sat next to her on the steps, her hair was down and Sofie could smell it.

"I'm so glad I had a boy," Libby said.

"He's a good kid, too." Sofie replied. He wasn't at all bad for such a young kid. He barely got into any trouble.

Libby moved her head over like she was going to rest it on Sofie's shoulder and then jerked away like she realized better. Sofie bit down on her tongue and didn't say anything.

Libby rested her chin in her hands, and her elbow on her knees, watching her son. "The whole time I was pregnant, I was so scared. Clayton kept telling me that it was gonna be alright, but I couldn't be calmed. I prayed every night." She opened her mouth and then closed it again. "Every day and every night I would pray, please, Lord, let my baby be healthy. Let the baby be a boy." She sighed.

"And you got it," Sofie offered.

"Yeah," Libby smiled. "I think Clayton would've liked a girl, but." Libby ran her fingers through her hair. "He will never ever dance the cooch."

Sofie squeezed Libby's knee and then realized that she probably shouldn't have. "Maybe he'll be a baseball player."

"A real famous one," Libby giggled.

"Better than Babe Ruth."

"Oh god, I hope not. Clayton would never shut up about it." They both laughed. Well, Sofie kind of laughed, she wasn't very good at it any more.

Sofie hadn't missed Jonesy. She hoped he was all caught up in traffic on his way to wherever the fuck. She hoped he stayed there a long time.

-

"You should come back," Iris said.

Sofie rested her head against the side of the phonebooth. The reciever was hot in her hand. "I'm not ready yet."

"Destiny happens whether you are ready or not," Iris replied, like she wasn't even thinking. Like she'd said it a thousand times. Sofie was getting better at recognizing those phrases.

"I'm not coming back yet," Sofie said.

She wasn't sure if she was going back at all.

It was best to keep that from Iris. "What is it that is keeping you away?" Iris didn't even sound annoyed this time.

Sofie tried to put it in a sentence, breathing deep. But there weren't words for it.

"It's just too heavy," said Sofie. That was as close as she could get.

It wasn't enough, but it was all she had.

-

Sofie sat in Libby's kitchen, watching Libby put away the dishes. Her dress was light blue and thin with age, missing two buttons at the bottom.

She had the kid on her hip, and Libby hummed along with the radio, swaying as she did it.

It almost hurt to look at her.

Sofie was glad she couldn't see Libby's face. Or maybe just that Libby couldn't see her.

She couldn't stop thinking about the night of the fire. There wasn't even enough light to see anybody properly, she shouldn't be able to remember Libby's face as clear as she did. And Sofie couldn't remember why she did it.

The radio turned to a commercial for soap. "That's not good soap," Libby whispered her kid, tapping his nose with her finger. It was like Sofie wasn't even there at all.

She wanted Libby so much that her teeth ached.

-

 **III.** _The Hanged Man_

-

Sofie and Libby sat out on their porch swing, not talking, for a while. The kid was always really quiet, as far as Sofie could tell. At least the swing had some shade.

"Jonesy told me that Justin's your dad," Libby said, like it had been building up in her throat and forced its way out.

"Yeah," Sofie said. She didn't look at Libby's face.

"I don't know how you could stay with him knowing he raped your Momma like that."

Sofie's eyes were hot and stinging. "It's complicated," she said.

"It doesn't sound complicated," Libby said, but not unkindly.

"It's just-" Sofie tried, and then stopped. She took a few deep breaths and looked as far out into the horizon as she could see. "I've got powers and stuff. And so does he. And sometimes when I have powers, they can take over and make me do things that I don't wanna do."

"What?"

"I never wanted to shoot Jonesy," Sofie said. "But he was gonna take me back and I couldn't go back and then my body did it without me like I was some kind of puppet. And that just happens sometimes, for all kinds of things. I think it might be what happened to Justin back then." But it wasn't like Sofie could just ask him about it.

"Shit," Libby said.

She squeezed Sofie's hand.

-

It was hard to sleep in the hotel room.

She dreamed about Libby all wrapped up in the sheets, nothing but the sheets. Clean sheets and clean skin and nothing else, and the patch of skin around her ribs that had been Sofie's favorite. The sounds that Libby had made.

Sofie woke up biting her lip and had to fight to keep her hands still.

Libby was a married woman. And besides, she hated Sofie.

-

Iris got upset whenever Sofie let more than 2 days go without a call, so Sofie went back to the payphone.

At least Iris sounded calmer. "Are you well?"

"Yes," Sofie said.

"Done much traveling lately?"

"Not really," Sofie said. She knew that she sounded tense.

Iris paused. "Anything you want to share?"

"Can't think of anything," Sofie said.

"And how are the Joneses?"

Sofie's throat closed up.

"Sofie, dear, I can tolerate this ridiculous walkabout of yours but I will not be kept in the dark."

"Uh," Sofie said. Her mouth could only make sounds. Even so far away from California, Sofie couldn't get free of their strings.

"Make sure you remember to eat," Iris said, and then hung up the phone.

Sofie slammed her hand against the side of the phone box until the wood splintered and got in her hand. She could barely breathe.

-

Sofie wanted oranges. She'd gotten spoiled living in California. She wanted fresh orange juice and orange candies and most of all she wanted to peel the segments apart with her fingers.

They were hard to come by in Nebraska.

She wondered if Teddy liked oranges, if the kid had even tried an orange at all. Things had gotten better the last few years, but not very much. Not enough, anyway.

She wondered what Libby would do if she brought over a box of oranges.

Sofie probably couldn't even buy them here. Lincoln wasn't so big.

She picked at the bandage on her hand.

-

Sofie went over to Libby's before she was finished making dinner and watched the kid while Libby put everything into the soup pot.

"It's been nice having some company that's not Clayton," Libby said, almost like she was surprised herself. "Don't get me wrong, I love him. And when we moved here I thought I'd never get tired of him. But here I am, kind of tired of him. I guess Momma was right, but I'm not gonna tell her that."

Sofie wasn't sure if she should laugh or not. "I've been walking around the country for a few months. You're the first people I've stopped to visit."

"That sounds kind of lonely," Libby said.

"Yeah," Sofie said. "But I needed to get out and just move around. I couldn't stay in one spot any more."

Libby smiled at her. "Still sounds lonely."

"Had to do it," Sofie shrugged. She picked up a chunk of carrot from the floor before the kid could choke on it or something.

"I'm not holding a grudge on you," Libby said, not looking at Sofie at all. "And I don't wish anything bad for you."

"Thanks," Sofie said.

"And I've liked you being here." That was almost definitely a lie. "I want you to stay." Another lie. Libby's voice got all soft. "And you're welcome back here whenever you want." That almost didn't sound like a lie.

"I appreciate that," said Sofie. Even if it was just so that they could trap her and get her to Ben, it was nice to hear.

Libby poked her with the end of the wooden spoon and smiled. Sofie could feel a smile being tugged out of her, even though she fought to keep it in.

Sofie had intended to leave town after dinner, but now she was just fucked.

She didn't want to go.

-

 **IV.** _Five of Cups_

-

Sofie's nerves were all worn thin with wanting Libby, and she didn't have much of anything left in her.

So she stayed in the hotel all morning, through lunch, staring at the ceiling. It was stained and then somebody just painted over it like that would fix everything. The new paint was starting to flake in the corners. The hotel bed was uncomfortable, but not enough to make her get out of it.

She had her copy of the bible unopened on the table next to her. It was in Russian. Sofie kept thinking that she'd get another bible and then teach herself words from it, so then she'd know what it was Iris and Justin were talking about behind her back. But she just kept putting it off. It was probably a stupid idea anyway.

Sofie stayed in bed until a few minutes past dinnertime, and then she couldn't stay away.

When she got close to the Joneses', she could see Libby pacing in the kitchen.

Libby ran out to meet her outside, barefoot. "Where have you been?"

"In bed. I had a headache," Sofie said. That was almost the truth, anyway.

"Jesus Christ, I thought you'd run away again." Libby looked kind of torn up. She hadn't bothered to do her hair or anything.

Sofie stood right where she was. "I wouldn't do that," she said.

"You already did it. Right before Damascus, remember?"

"Again," Sofie finished. "I wouldn't do it again."

Libby bit the side of her lip. "Promise?"

"I promise that before I go, I'll stop and say goodbye," Sofie said.

"Good," Libby said, and pulled Sofie inside by the wrist.

-

Sofie got some change from the first rich asshole she could find, then went to the payphone.

But Justin picked up the phone. "This is Justin," he said. His voice seemed to fill up the whole booth.

Sofie replied before she could help herself. "Where is Iris?"

"Sofie," he said. It was almost a growl, but sharper. "Iris is with the children's chorus. I am waiting on a call."

"Can you tell her I called and I'm safe?" Sofie didn't want to talk to him.

"You can tell her you're safe in person," Justin replied.

She buried her fingernails in the skin of her elbow. "That won't be for a while. I just don't want her to worry about me."

"She wouldn't worry about you if you were back where you belong." Justin's voice got deeper. "So you must not care that she worries."

"The holy spirit compelled me to walk in the wilderness," Sofie hissed. She took a deep breath and tried to talk normally. "If I didn't care about Iris, I wouldn't call her at all. But I do, so tell her I called." Even if Justin didn't give Iris the message, she'd be able to figure it out by how angry he'd gotten.

"Stay out of mental institutions if you know what's good for you," Justin said, and hung up.

-

Libby would be a lot easier to deal with if she wasn't so good-looking.

Sophie clenched her jaw and tried very hard not to wake the baby.

"It don't make any sense. How can you know Ben and not want to follow him? He's a good man."

"Really? What good has he been doing now? What good has he done lately?"

Libby stuck her jaw out. "That's not fair. You know he's still weak and he's gotta hide out."

Sofie picked at the scabs on her palm. "A few years ago, he healed some people. What else? Does he do anything besides sit in his trailer and wallow? 'Cause I haven't seen him do anything else."

"Well, to start with, he's not evil."

Sofie wanted to run out of the house and bite at Libby's neck all at the same time. "Justin's not a good man. Believe me, I know. But there are 20,000 people in New Canaan who have clothes and food and medicine who would've been left on the side of the road to die if he hadn't helped them." Libby bit her lip. "He's not a good man, but I really don't know that I can say Ben's done better. And at least I can think around him."

"That is really damn confusing," Libby said, and sat down in the chair next to Sofie. She scrunched her brow like she was thinking. Sofie waited for her heartbeat to slow down. "What do you mean you can't think around Ben?"

"I visited him one," Sofie said. "I tried. But it was like the day the both of them fought. I couldn't control it. I couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to do and I couldn't stop. I hate it."

"Oh, Sofie." Libby tried to pull her into a hug. "I can't even imagine what that's like."

"It's like being back in the trailer when Mama died. When the fire was so close and every part of me was screaming at the same time and I didn't want to be screaming and I couldn't stop and then I didn't even notice it any more. It's not just that I can't control myself, it's like all my thinking gets knocked out of me."

"So you stay away from Ben," Libby said.

"Yeah," Sofie replied.

She hated getting overwhelmed like that more than almost anything.

She didn't want to look at Libby's face. Sofie didn't want to be pitied.

-

The next day was even worse.

She wanted to kiss Libby and Sofie knew she couldn't. But every time Libby got close to her, Sofie's chest tightened and she kept thinking of all the ways she could kiss Libby. She didn't do anything, even though she could if she wanted to.

But she spent almost all day, until she couldn't bear it anymore, just barely not doing anything. Like she was mute and stupid.

Sofie could control herself. She could, and so she did but it took just about every little bit of her. There wasn't anything left over for conversation.

She could see the shape of Libby's thighs through her skirt.

This was a choice.

-

Sofie dreamed she was walking up a hill with Dora Mae. But it was the long one that went up to Justin's house in New Canaan. Dora Mae didn't say anything, she didn't need to. Dora Mae had already said everything she was ever gonna say.

Later, Sofie wasn't thinking when she said, "I had a dream about Dora Mae last night."

Libby's face went gray.

"What kind of a dream?" Libby tried to sound casual and didn't get close to it.

"The normal kind," Sofie said. "We were in the chow tent eating lunch together," she lied.

Libby relaxed. "I have those sometimes," she said. "I still miss her."

Sofie hadn't known Dora Mae very well at all. But she couldn't tell Libby about what happened in Babylon, even though the story was burning in her throat.

She had to tell Libby what Dora Mae said. Sofie had to find a way. "The night before everything in Babylon," she started. "When we went to the movie theater."

"Yeah, I remember," Libby said. It didn't sound like a happy memory.

"After we got back, I ran into Dora Mae on the way to my trailer. We talked, kind of for a little bit."

Libby pushed the eggs around her plate. "What'd you talk about?"

"She told me I better not hurt you, because you were her sister and she'd tear my hair out. She was nice about it. And I remember Dora Mae said that you were her sister and nobody got to hurt you, and that I better not think that I was gonna steal you away from her." Sofie tried to look anywhere but at Libby, settling on the kid. It wasn't exactly Dora Mae's message, but it was close as she could get.

"She said that?" Sofie nodded.

Libby pulled her kid into her lap and wrapped her arms around him tight. "She was a good sister."

"Didn't stop me from hurting you though," Sofie couldn't close her mouth quick enough to keep everything in.

"No, it didn't," Libby said. Her voice was hard.

Sofie twisted the fabric of her dress in her hands. "I am sorry. I wish I could take it back." She couldn't make the words come out loud or sincere enough.

Libby didn't say anything for a while, and Sofie couldn't make herself look. "Good," Libby finally said. "I can't just pretend like it was no big deal. I'm glad you're sorry." She shifted away from Sofie. "But you're not sorrier than I am."

Sofie's eyes were burning. "I really didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't think about me at all. You treated me like trash, like everybody else. You just threw me away. And I wanted for you to apologize for so long but now that I have it, nothing's fixed or better." Libby's voice got all choked off.

Sofie wanted to run away, but she just sat there, waiting for Libby to finish what she had to say.

Libby was quiet for a terribly long time.

-

 **V.** _Justice_

-

Things hadn't gone back to normal after that breakfast, but neither of them were gonna talk about it, so they just talked around it and pretended nothing had happened.

Sofie rolled a spare baseball to the kid, he was too young to catch it.

For the last few days, it to look at Libby, but now it hurt in seven new ways.

Sofie didn't mind sitting in the dirt. The rocks gave her something to think about that wasn't Libby's feet in the basin.

"So," Libby tried. "You heard from anybody in New Canaan?"

"I call them sometimes," Sofie said. "They don't know where I am. I mostly call my aunt." It was so weird to have people know she was Iris.

Libby swirled her feet around. "Jonesy liked her a lot, he said she was real nice."

"She's usually the kindest person there," Sofie said. There weren't really any accurate words for Iris, though. "She's my favorite person there."

"But it's complicated?" Libby started drying her feet with a towel. Sofie nodded. "Family's always complicated."

Libby pulled the old stack of tarot cards from her pocket.

"I found these in the mailbox today," she said. "They look like yours."

"They are mine," Sofie said. They were still following her. They would probably always follow her, but her gut still dropped whenever she saw them back.

Libby handed them over and then Sofie reached the top card of the deck and ripped it in half, throwing it into the air like confetti. She did it for the next card, and the card after that.

"What are you doing?" Libby sounded pretty confused.

The kid started giggling and playing with the pieces. "They always come back," Sofie sighed. "No matter what I do, they always follow me. I've set them on fire a few dozen times."

"So, can I help this time?" Libby sat down next to her in the dirt.

Sofie nodded and cut the deck.

-

And then Jonesy called. She could tell it was him from the way Libby straightened up and started breathing heavy.

"Yeah, she's still here," Libby said. "Later tonight?"

Sofie hadn't been expecting he'd be back so soon. Well, she'd been expecting he might, but she'd hoped he'd take longer.

Her whole body felt heavier. When there was a pause in the call, Sofie tapped Libby on the shoulder, smiling like there was nothing wrong. "Can you tell Jonesy something for me?"

"Sure," Libby said.

"Tell him that I want to meet with Samson. Just Samson. There's a gas station on the edge of town with a sign that looks like a cow. It's right near a diner, we can get lunch. In 3 hours."

She left before Libby could finish delivering the message.

It would take a while to walk to that gas station, after all.

-

Sofie stopped at a payphone and called Iris, mostly because she was tired of the coins jangling in her pocket.

The sun probably wasn't even up in California. Iris didn't sound sleepy. "Sofie?"

She couldn't help the question sliding out. "Do you ever get tired of taking care of people?"

"No," Iris said.

"I do. I am so tired." Sofie didn't know how to finish what she was saying, so she hung up and started walking again.

She didn't even know why she bothered making the call.

-

It was good to see Samson. Really, actually good. He smiled wide when he saw her.

She ignored Osgood waiting in the truck, and they walked over to the diner, but then behind it, so they could talk without anybody listening in.

He looked tireder than he used to. "Hey, Sofie," he said.

"Hey," she replied. Samson had always been kind to her, and she'd missed him so much.

"You've been traveling?" They leaned up against the wall of a bank.

"Yeah," Sofie said, twisting so she could see his face. "I went to Babylon. Put flowers on Dora Mae's grave."

Samson looked like he'd just gotten punched. He didn't say anything for a while. "Did you see her?"

"Yeah," Sofie said. "And I got her out. Dora Mae's not in Babylon anymore. She's wherever it is that people end up."

"Heaven," Samson said. "Dora Mae is in heaven. Thank you." He squeezed Sofie's hand. "That's been weighing real heavy on me." She could see his eyes were getting watery. Sofie almost wished for a handkerchief.

"And the miners are suffering," Sofie admitted, before she could think better of it.

Samson looked up at her. "Good," he said, like that was the end of it. He adjusted his hat.

"That was it," Sofie said. "That was what I wanted to tell you."

Samson kept a hold on her hand. "I can't let you go without telling you how much Ben misses you. That boy is all caught up on you, can't see nobody else."

"I know," Sofie said.

"You don't feel the same?" Samson raised his eyebrows.

"No," Sofie said. And if she felt like Ben did, that would be just another thing that hurt.

"Alright, then. I won't push it. But I've got one more thing for you." He pulled two pictures from his jacket pocket, they looked old and fragile. "Now, I don't know if you know this, but Management had a name. It was Lucius Belyakov. And he had 2 children, Irina and Alexi Belyakov. And when they came to America, they changed their names."

"To Justin and Iris Crowe," Sofie finished. "I know." And then it hit her. "He was my grandfather?"

Samson nodded. "This is a picture of the kids when they were little and still living in Russia. And this one is of their mother, your grandmother."

Sofie couldn't even see the pictures through her rage. "He was my grandfather? Management was my grandfather and he kept me in the carnival, he kept me with Mama even though he knew everything. He was my grandfather? And he never told me. And he knew how I suffered, and he still couldn't be bothered to do anything!"

Sofie could feel her eyes going black and fought it, breathing deep and fast.

"It was more complicated than that," Samson tried.

"This whole bloodline of mine is shit. Every single part of it. I am made up of the worst of the shit on the planet. And I will never have children. Never. I won't pass this curse to anybody else." Sofie clenched her fist so hard that a scab tore back open. "And if you care at all about the future, you'll cut Ben's balls off."

She walked off, just about as fast as she could. "Sofie," Samson called.

"Thank you for the pictures, and the information, and everything." Sofie called back. "I love you, I really do, but I can't do this."

She didn't turn around.

-

Sofie got back from meeting with Samson and barely had any energy left in her. But she'd have to leave right away to avoid Ben and Jonesy and everybody else, so she didn't really have any choice.

She'd probably end up taking a car out of Lincoln.

She didn't step inside the house. Libby was on the other side of the door frame, and it was like the door was still between them even though it wasn't. "So, um," Sofie said. "Goodbye."

That was all she could think of to do, so she turned around. "Wait, Sofie," Libby said.

Sofie stopped walking away, but she didn't get any closer either. "Thank you for having me. I know it was only so that Jonesy could get Ben back here. You treated me a lot better than I deserved."

"It wasn't just that," Libby said. And fuck, she'd changed into her nightgown.

"Nothing's ever just one thing," Sofie said.

Libby grabbed hold of Sofie's hand. "Sofie," she said.

And then Sofie couldn't stop herself from exploding. "You were the only thing in the whole world that I picked. Everything else got chosen for me and I just had to deal with it no matter what. But you were the only thing that I got that was mine. I didn't want Jonesy or Ben or anybody else, just you. And then I had a vision of the two of us together. And I had wanted it, but then it wasn't something I got to choose anymore and I got so angry. I wasn't doing it to hurt you, it was to hurt the fucking vision and I fucked up and I'm sorry. But it wasn't 'cause of what you did."

Libby kissed her, hard, on the mouth. And Sofie could barely make herself pull away. She wanted to pull in close to Libby's face and the way that she smelled and the feel of her skin. It was softer at her neck.

"Everything I touch turns into shit, Libby," Sofie said. "I can't do that to you."

"What about what I want?" Libby said, grabbing Sofie by the back of her hair.

"You want to be safe. You want your family safe." Sofie said. "You want to be alive. I want that too. So I have to go."

Libby stood still, closed her eyes and all of the muscles in her body tensed at the same time. "I don't want to lose you," Libby said. "We can find a way to make it safe, there has to be something.

Sofie squeezed Libby's hand, then rested her head on Libby's shoulder.

"Will you come back?" Sofie nodded. Libby kissed her again, slower. "Promise?"

"I'll come back," Sofie said.

"Promise me," Libby said, holding on to Sofie's shoulders so hard there'd be bruises. Her lips were swollen.

"Yeah," Sofie said. "And I'll call you. It won't be like before."

Libby nodded and let her grip slacken, just a bit.

And then Sofie ran as hard as she could in the other direction because she couldn't do anything but run or stay forever.

For a few minutes, Sofie thought that maybe Libby might come after her. But then she remembered that Libby had her kid in the house, and she'd never leave him alone. That was good.

It was. It was good.

There was only one right thing to do, and so that's what Sofie did.

-

VI. _epilogue: 1939_

-

She had lied.

She wasn't gonna see Libby ever again. No matter what.

Sofie wasn't a good person. She only kept her promises sometimes.

Her feet were very heavy on the road.

-

**Author's Note:**

> Structure of the fic is based on the five card tarot spread.
> 
> The first card is about the present. (Eight of Swords)  
> The second card is about the past. (Five of Pentacles)  
> The third card is about the future. (The Hanged Man)  
> The fourth card is about the reason behind the current situation. (Five of Cups)  
> The fifth card is about the potential within the situation. (Justice)
> 
> Card meanings were taken from Wikipedia and http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/


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